Saturday, June 02, 2007
I ask myself that question (what if?) every so often. Friday was Nathan's IEP meeting at school (individual education plan). I had it written down on my calendar ... and yet I failed to look at said calendar and missed the first part of the meeting. His functioning abilities are rather low in most areas (speech, cognitive, small motor). He does excel in gross motor skills ... sports. I try not to get too down when I see the results of his testing ... he's rather hard to test ... but I "know he's home" ... just on a different floor ;) My question (what if?) surfaces every once in a while and has to do with me having had an pelvic x-ray before I even knew I was pregnant with him. For the entire nine months, I worried ... and rightly so. What if I hadn't had that x-ray? Could that have destined him to having Down syndrome? I did read shortly after his birth that there was a chance of such a thing happening. (Of course it could also have been my age 37). So today was a downer for me ... guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt surfaced as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. What if kept my eyes teary most of the day. His struggle began shortly after birth ... he was given a 2% chance to survive ... but survive he did ... and that after numerous surgeries ... a struggle indeed. What if. Tomorrow my eyes shall be dry and I will write about my joys with Nathan.