"These happy golden years are passing by, these happy golden years." Laura Ingalls Wilder

Saturday, June 02, 2007

What If?


I ask myself that question (what if?) every so often. Friday was Nathan's IEP meeting at school (individual education plan). I had it written down on my calendar ... and yet I failed to look at said calendar and missed the first part of the meeting. His functioning abilities are rather low in most areas (speech, cognitive, small motor). He does excel in gross motor skills ... sports. I try not to get too down when I see the results of his testing ... he's rather hard to test ... but I "know he's home" ... just on a different floor ;) My question (what if?) surfaces every once in a while and has to do with me having had an pelvic x-ray before I even knew I was pregnant with him. For the entire nine months, I worried ... and rightly so. What if I hadn't had that x-ray? Could that have destined him to having Down syndrome? I did read shortly after his birth that there was a chance of such a thing happening. (Of course it could also have been my age 37). So today was a downer for me ... guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt surfaced as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. What if kept my eyes teary most of the day. His struggle began shortly after birth ... he was given a 2% chance to survive ... but survive he did ... and that after numerous surgeries ... a struggle indeed. What if. Tomorrow my eyes shall be dry and I will write about my joys with Nathan.

14 comments:

Sara said...

oh mrs. mac, how i love your heart and your family. and i am so honored to sit next to you in your what if moment. i won't write cliche's or platitudes because we both know them and right now, it's just a moment in passing to feel the what if. all i can think from this end is what if he didn't have this mom? what if he didn't have special ed? what if there were no programs to meet ronald mc donald on special citizen's day? what if no body made him french toast? what if God would've tried to place him into a different family who refused to face the what if? and there we are, what if?....God. the answer to every what if. praying for you today my sister.
p.s. the word verification is upawd; makes me think of "upward" from a speech impaired mouth.

Pat said...

God is so kind in our moments of "what if", he only lets them last as long as necessary to cleanse our weary soul. Like you said, you will dry your eyes and your thoughts of what if will be replaced with words of joy that Nathan has brought you. But - we all need what if moments, as funny as it sounds, I think it helps to rest our spirit by giving those feelings all right back to God.
Your sweet open heart touches my life in such a special way. I wish I could give that back to you twice over. Thank you for trusting in us enough to carry just a small portion of your "what if" feelings and for receiving our love back to you.
I find a great kinship with Nathan. We both love ice cream, don't tolerate spicy food and need to cut back on our night time liquids!

Deb said...

So often, I think of Nathan and his super contagious smile and can only imagine meeting him one day and being filled with OVERWHELMING joy!

God is so good --to have blessed Nathan with YOU.

I'm praying for you today...and look forward to hearing of your joy tomorrow.

Mrs. Mac said...

Dear Sara, Pat, and Deb ... thanks for sharing your insight to my "what if" day. Every now and then a gal needs a good cry to make her thankful for the other 364 days a year of "what is" and "what I'm thankful for" moments.

Terry said...

Dear Mrs. Mac.
You know,I think that God just gives these special gifts to moms that He can trust that He knows will have special love!
My sister, Gail's first baby had MD, and she loved that little guy from day one.
She was advised by the doctor that because this ran in our family, that she should have no more children.
This made my sister a little angry, and she thought to herself, "If God gives me more children then so be it!"
Well the Lord DID give her two more babies, one had a mild form of MD, and the one of them was born autistic.
THREE special needs children to ONE special mother!
Her one joy in life is that probably she will have them home for the rest of her life!
The oldest is 24 now, I think and one is 20 and the baby is 16.
Not sure of the right ages but aunties never can keep track, eh?
You ARE one special lady and mom Mrs. Mac. and all of your friends and "bestest friend" just love you to pieces!!!
And I must say that I DO love that little gift that you have!!
He belongs to us all!!!...Love Terry

My friend, Felisol works with special needs people.
That is how I met her.
I saw her on "Curious Servant's" blog site commenting about her love for these special people.
I went to her site to tell her about David Fisher's Nathan and she went on to emcourage the Pilgrim!
David had been having a difficult week.
Because of this I met a very speical friend!
Do you SEE the good that your little Nathan is doing in this world?!!
Ha!!! Look at all the friends he has brought to you....even though two of them are a little on the strange side!!!!
Two guesses who Gramma Mac!

Jim said...

Mr. Mac, you have shared so many of your joys with us. Yes, you have those "what if's," we all do. Thanks for sharing yours with us too. I'll look forward for those Joys you share next time even more now.

When I come for Sunday dinner will you make hamburgers again, please? I'll have a cheeseburger, thanks. They look so good!

We sure do have some less serious "what if's" at our house right now. Like, "what if (you can guess all that we suppose) hadn't been so, Jim wouldn't have gotten hurt and we would still be vacationing in the British Isles."
..

Anonymous said...

God has everything in his control. If He knew the X-ray was going to be bad for you He would have promted you. I know at times we can go against God's leading, but when we live for Him he takes care of us. You dare not feel guilty for even one moment. I don't want you to feel guilty. Your the best Mom your little gift could posibly have and God needs Nathan to make heaven complete, so He kept him innocent to make sure Nathan would be in His arms someday. God also wanted Nathan to have good care on earth, that's why He chose you. Love, Gramma. BTW your grandson is soooo cute, where did he get all that hair?

Northeast Iowa Mom said...

Honey, I can't think of anything useful to add. Here's a hug instead.

I remember a day when Nathan was just a couple of days old and somehow in my self absorption I had not even asked about him, and I opened my front door to find you standing there with your heart in your eyes, there to tell me of the child born to your house. I am still to this day sorry I was not a better, more supportive neighbor to you.

Mrs. Darling said...

Mrs Mac I shed tears with you. Tink doesnt have the same problems of course but I too ask what if? There is a good chance she's like she is because the cord was cutting off her circulation; something that wasnt discovered until she was born and then they quick cut the cord unlooped the cord from around her neck and under her arms and all over. Her heart beat dropped with every contraction. Then she stopped coming through the birth canal and had to be vaccum suctioned out the rest of the way. SIDS has been linked to birth trauma in some cases and I think that was Tinks problem.

I just want to send you hugs and lots of love!

Julie said...

I am sure that there is more to feel thankful for than there is to feel guilty for...and you know what, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for!

While I know nothing about life with a child with DS, I know that the joy they bring outweighs anything else. And I know that they are a gift from God the same as we all are when we are born and God doesn't make mistakes! He formed Nathan in His image, He gives Nathan the desires that are in his heart and He gave Nathan the most wonderful mother (and family). If Nathan has challenges that face him in this life, he is no different than any of us.

So be encouraged today that Nathan's life is exactly as God planned it and rejoice in that and who he is! I have loved reading your blog to learn more about you and your beautiful family and I only wish I lived closer so that I could meet you! I guess I'll just wait until that day when we are all living in Heaven!

(((((Hugs)))))

Mrs. Mac said...

Iowa Mom ... was it not you that got a prayer chain started at your church, a prayer chain that eventually went round the world from different people ... giving the Lord a good blistering in his ears?

Northeast Iowa Mom said...

Thank you for reminding me of that. I had forgotten.

Willena said...
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Willena said...

Dear Mrs. Mac, I had plenty of my own "what if" moments when I knew I was going to have a baby three months after my 46th birthday. My Nathaniel was born perfectly "normal". Did you know that a mother of that age has only a 7% chance of having a baby born with DS? Your "chances" at age 37 were so much smaller than that even. I don't believe your age or anything else about you had anything to do with it.

I second what one of your friends said -- if having that x-ray would harm your baby, God would have prompted you not to have it done. God is sovereign. Nothing happens to us without His say so, and nothing takes Him by surprise. I love what another friend said about the other "what if's" -- what if Nathan did not have you as his mother? Truly he is blessed, just as he has blessed you.